Fingers Crossed...

The Lord of the Rings trilogy proved that fantasy movies could be done well and appeal to a broad audience.

The Chronicles of Narnia added some credibility to that notion.

The Harry Potter movies also contributed, though they have their rough spots.

Eragon made us think it had all been a fluke.

On August 10, we get Neil Gaiman's Stardust:



Redemption? God, I hope so.

Spoilers (a/k/a Professor Snape Kills Tony Soprano, Who Doesn’t Know He’s Dead)

GUESS I HAVE TO FOLOW MY OWN ADVICE: SPOILER ALERT RE: HARRY POTTER (BOOK 6) AND THE SIXTH SENSE – I CAN’T SEE HOW THESE COULD REALLY END UP BEING MY FAULT AT THIS POINT, BUT BE WARNED

In the aftermath of the final episode of The Sopranos, I’ve come across a very awkward situation today – trying not to be a spoiler for anyone who’s still waiting to see it.

A good friend got me into the Sopranos, and I stepped gingerly in conversation this morning. I blew one of the recent episodes for him, assuming that my most Sopranos-fanatical friend would have been watching as it aired. But, with Tivo and a busy life, he was exposed to the death of Christopher Moltisanti all too soon by my misstep.

So, this morning, I made sure to check whether he’d watched last night before I said anything. Good thing for me and my conscience – he hadn’t.

What sucks is that there are far too many “spoilers” out there – people unwilling to appreciate the arts enough to have discretion, or worse, actively to seek to ruin it for others. This is clearly the mark of a small penis.

It’s one of these genitalia-stunted retards who zinged me with this one on some public transportation a couple of summers back: “Yeah, Dumbledore was killed – it was crazy.”

Yeah, and THANK YOU, ASSHOLE. Like hearing about your mom’s summer flu wasn’t annoying enough for my evening’s commute, now you just screwed up my enjoyment of a well written book.

I’m not even a Harry Potter nut. I can’t imagine how those people must have felt if/when it was spoiled for any of them by shitty people who can’t keep conversation to a civil tone on the train.

It’s really not too much ask: once you’ve experienced some big moment in a book, on TV, or in a movie, which you know people all around you may want to experience (such as the most popular novel series, movie, or TV series in years), keep your effing cakehole shut about it in public for a while.

Bragging about how you know what happened in a loud voice only confirms your shriveled little penis for the rest of us.

It’s hard to sort out the good stuff in the arts these days, so when something is clearly quality, let people enjoy it on their own. Otherwise, some of them may be out for people like you...

America's Crazy Uncle for President

Two democratic debates down, and Mike Gravel is shaping up to the the Al Sharpton of this race, making crazy statements that skirt real points without actually making any.

I'm starting to really like this guy, but not exactly in the "I'd Ever Vote for Him in a Million Years" kind of way. It's more like a purely guilty pleasure of watching a nutbag run for president.

Damnit, Hollywood; You Suck.

Brewing for a couple of years, the live-action G.I. Joe movie project is starting to gain momentum, as the Transformers summer blockbuster gains steam even before its release.

At first, there was hope that producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura was preparing for something great. We children of the ‘80’s waited with fevered anticipation for any word. Rumors abounded that Mark Walberg would likely play Duke, and that the movie would be some sort of “origin of Cobra” story. Sweet.

Then, our wild-running imaginations were fueled in late 2005 by El Mayimbe’s review on Latinoreview.com of a bootlegged script, previewing a fantastic film sure to satisfy any G.I. Joe purist:

The six G.I. JOE’s that made the cut for now in the draft are – Duke, Scarlett, Snake Eyes, Hi-Tech, Heavy Duty, and Wild Bill. [Assuming sequels, more could come in later films.]

The antagonist of the piece is DESTRO…THE BARONESS is in this thing along with STORM SHADOW.

Yes folks, there is the Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow rivalry in this draft and they duke it out in the 3rd act. Strom Shadow has a cool back-story. In the script, he is considered the greatest hand-to-hand fighter in the world…

…Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were trained by the same master and were rumored to have fought once. They fought for two days before a single blade landed. Storm Shadow made a mistake and was defeated. However, the rage induced by Storm’s disgrace and has fueled ten years of further study in South America under a different master, under a weapons-free discipline of Brazilian Jujitsu.

Speaking of Snake Eyes, [he] and Scarlett are in a relationship in this draft and are in therapy because well, Snake Eyes doesn’t talk and has taken a vow of silence as a way of furthering his martial arts training and discipline! I thought the therapy scene on page 26 was hilarious. Very creative.

There is a COBRA in this draft. He is not COBRA COMMANDER, he is simply COBRA and he is a former G.I. JOE named REX. This story is a Cobra origin story of sorts…

…the Joes carry out the mission and something goes horribly wrong. Rex is horribly scarred as a result…

…Destro wants Cobra to lead his army of super soldiers. The super soldiers are the best mercenaries from around the world that are also being injected with the same juice as Rex is. So basically that is what G.I. JOE is about - Duke and the Joes must stop Destro, Cobra and the chemically enhanced super soldiers…

I’m practically salivating. This is on par with the epic struggle that raged on my family room floor for years.

But, as with all good things Hollywood takes a bite of, there must come the inevitable shit.

Finally updating on the situation last week, El Mayimbe informs us that di Bonaventura ditched the sweet-assed script and commissioned a new one. Low-lights of the new one include:

-- A buddy-film between Duke and Alex Mann from Action Man. Never heard of them? Of course not – they suck. They were the cheap international version of G.I. Joe.
-- No Cobra, no Destro – a villain named “Cool Dude.”
-- A host of cheesy lines and corny quips

This blows. Hopefully, di Bonaventura will see the light. Maybe he’s just shopping around for different ideas. I can only hope.

But really, El Mayimbe is right: the least they can do is stay faithful to the few basic premises that lie at the core of the franchise. If they’re not going to do that, I hope they scrap the project. Better to leave G.I. Joe at the height of his glory, as I left him on my family room floor a few decades ago.

Any producer seeking to recreate a classic story should know that. “And,” as Duke always said, “knowing is half the battle.”