In Case You Think There's Some Grand Plan Out There, You're Wrong - No Such Plan Would Include This

The most random shit can happen just walking out your front door.

I was bringing my dog out to put in the car and run an errand. Most of Snowpocalypse had melted, but a few piles still sat on the street corners.

As I approaced my car (street parking out front), a hispanic guy walked up. From his giant Honduras keychain, I assume he was Honduran. A regular genius, me.

Guy: "'Sucse me, do you have a chovel?"

Me: "Chovel?"

Guy: "Yeah, a chovel. I gotta dig out." Guy gestures to his pickup truck, which he has driven up onto/into a large snow pile. I never did ascertain whether he needed to get the truck out or was hired to shovel the snow and just picked the dumbest parking spot in history.

Me: "Oh, uh, no. I swear. No shovel here. Sorry, man."

Guy, while beginning to walk toward me and my ferocious dog: "Oh can I pet jour dog?"

Me, while letting my dog out front a little, in order to allow her maximum conniption potential (read: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!!!!): "No. She will bite you."

It's about here that I noticed that this man was flamboyantly homosexual. It's no judgment one way or another, just another fact that makes this story so completely random. He was wearing jeans, a tight long-sleeve shirt, and a green scarf wrapped carefully and closely around his neck.

Guy, walking nearly into chomp-range with hand out, but deciding he wanted to keep his fingers: "Is OK, is OK. She just sense de curse, and trying to eat it."

Curse? Did this gay Honduran guy who parked on a snow bank and asked me for a shovel now tell me my dog is trying to eat a curse? I decided to continue to roll with the situation. What would you have done?

Me: "Sorry, but she doesn't want to be petted."

Guy: "Is OK, jou see. I'm cursed. She just trying to get de curse. Eat it. Chomp. See?"

At this point, the Guy lifted his shirt and turned his body to show a massive scar extending from his beltline on his back, around his abdomen, and up to his ribs.

Guy: "Jou see? I cursed. They threw me off de fourth floor. I cursed, and she sense it. She trying to eat de curse. I cursed. Is OK."

Let me mention, I know of no magical force here. My dog was behaving exactly as trained - if a person is approaching quickly, she takes it as a threat, and letting her forward is my queue for her to defend/attack/wreak havoc.

Me: "Wow, man. Um...wow."

Guy: "So yeah, is OK. I cursed, but is OK. I love it here. I love America. Is wonderful. I pay de taxes."

As the Guy delivered this little speech, he approached and shook my hand with much enthusiasm. I reigned my dog in, because I determined that this man did not to be eviscerated at that moment.

I think it is fair to say that at this point, I was completely bewildered. Let us review: a gay Honduran man drove his truck into a snow pile and was wandering my street in search of a shovel. Seeing me exit my home, he requested of such from me. Upon my denial, he attempted to approach and pet my ferocious dog. Upon a near miss with a visit to the emergency room, he informed me of his curse, exemplified by a scar that can easily be described as coming from having been cut in half, which he apparantly received after being thrown from a fourth floor window, balcony, etc. He determined that my dog wanted to eat this curse, and decided that a related topic was how much he loves America, so much that he is glad to be paying taxes.

Me, in response: "Uh, great, well, good luck, and have a good day."

Again, what would you have done?

This Is My Thesis, Man! My Closing Argument!

A million thanks to Sara for finding this - she's such a gem for remembering my distaste for her home state, as well as my fascination with ninjas in the news. Thus, I was downright giddy to receive and scribble all over the following story: