I am not ungrateful, I just need to explain to you why this theoretically positive experience ended up going badly. So, here we go...
I was at a local bar that was hosting a charity concert for kids with cancer. I unflinchingly threw down my $30 cover and got to jamming out to covers of cheesy 80's songs.
I likely called down the fates at the beginning of the evening when my two fellow partygoers and I managed to find a place to stash our coats. "YES!" I proclaimed to them. "Now I can look sexy hot in my natural environment!" My heavy use of sarcasm is my only weapon against crushing insecurity.
After a while, my fellow partygoers left me; one for the restroom and one for the bar. No problem, I was confident that I could continue to bob my head and sway along to "Jesse's Girl" without their assistance. I felt calm, cool, and relaxed.
That's when it happened. I felt a tap on my arm. I turned, and was confronted by a young woman.
OK, OK, now don't get all in a bunch over the image here. I'm not using it to imply anything about her weight. I'm using it to demonstrate her breath.
(It's not a far cry from her complexion, either.)
You see, this was a concert, and in order to be heard in conversation, you had to lean in CLOSE. The result: breathing in each others' faces.
The young woman introduced herself. We'll call her Rebecca. Yes, because it very vaguely seems related to Jabba.
"Hi, I'm Rebecca, and I just wanted to introduce myself. I saw you there and I think you're really attractive."
Already, I had to fight through the noxious nerve gas bellowing from her mouth to concentrate on what she was saying. I felt like I was under seige, and I began to glance around the room desperately for my friends, and rescue. They were nowhere to be found.
The conversation continued. Believe it or not, I've been in this situation before. I don't know what I said. At first, it was a little stammering on my part, but then I managed to ask her a little about herself. And here is where Rebecca made her second mistake.
Let me clarify, in case you missed it. Rebecca's first mistake was confronting a guy she found attractive, in a loud place, with cancer breath.
Back to Rebecca's second mistake. Although she had begun with a friendly and flattering introduction, she then had absolutely nothing to say. I mean, I tried to talk to her. But it was weird. If I made a statement, she would just nod. If I asked a question, she would give the shortest answer possible. She never offered any information, and she never asked me anything.
Fucking awkward.
Worse was Rebecca's third mistake. Now, don't argue with me on this. Don't tell me it was her friend's fault; becuase if you're with friends when you begin an operation like Rebecca's, you make sure that before you go in, your friends know what to do. Rebecca clearly hadn't done the prepwork with her friend.
As I stood there trying to decide whether it was annoying that Rebecca would barely speak or whether I should thank my lucky stars for her minimal attacks with the Breath of Sorrow, I noticed a presence looming strangely close to my right shoulder.
This person simply had to be Rebecca's friend. I mean, she was standing there trying to listen to our conversation. Since her head drifting slowly like a dirigible between me and Rebecca, I had to say something. "So, is this your friend?"
"Oh, yes, this is..."
I don't remember the rest of what she said. I had stopped breathing and was beginning to black out.
Somehow I made a few more minutes of conversation out of it. Hell, at least her friend was material for something else or other so say while carrying the conversation. It was horrible, though. I kept thinking things like, "Does MY breath smell that terrible?" and "I wonder if I could find a smooth way to 'accidentally' drop a pack of mints and then offer one."
Finally, I swear, it got to the movie-scene moment of everyone standing there, looking around, and taking a deep breath. I almost whistled a tune to complete the image. Instead, I thanked my insanely weak bladder and excused myself to the restroom.
On the way to the restroom, I saw that my friends had taken up position just outside helping distance, behind me. Scumbags. They later claimed to have assumed that I knew Rebecca. Apparantly, they don't think a girl that gross would find an average guy like me to be a step up enough to find attractive. And to think my mom wonders about the sources of my crushing insecurity...
Coming out of the restroom, I tried to plan my next move. I sent the following text to one of my friends:
"THE FUCK!?!? Help me get away from this ugly girl with halitosis who's been poorly hitting on me!"
Of course, Rebecca walked past me right at that moment, on her way to the restroom as well. Fortunately she was just far enough away that she couldn't say Even then, all I could think was, "I wonder if she can see the despearate fear with which I was typing that text!"
Thereafter, I managed to stay away from Rebecca for the rest of the evening. And I think it was clear to her that there was going to be no more interaction between us.
In summary, let me say this: Rebecca wasn't attractive, but she was bold, and endearing. She walked up to someone she thought was cute and dared to speak to him out of nowhere. I don't generally have those guts. I respected her and even tried to converse with her when I could have pulled tricks to get away instantly. In short, I gave her a chance.
But understand this: you cannot--CANNOT--hit on someone with corpse breath, nothing to say, and a friend wandering into your physical space like a blind Frankenstein. In case anyone was unaware of this, please consider yourself warned.
And Rebecca, wherever you are, I wish you the best: a leash for your beast friend, an interest in the arts and world events that will equip you with something to discuss, and most importanly, a lifetime supply of Mentos.
