Pimps Don't Commit Suicide

It occurs to me that I have not yet extolled the virtues of Richard Kelly's latest "doesn't make sense but we love it anyway" soon-to-be-cult film, Southland Tales.



I first heard about Southland Tales from Rob over at Murder by Baltimore, and his commentary on the film, I must say, was pretty much dead on.

How can I explain this in a way that will show what you're getting into, but without scaring you away from it? I hold little hope that I can.

The shortcut way: are you a big fan of Donnie Darko? This is like Donnie Doarko's bigger, more bombastic sibling - a large ensemble cast, multiple interwoven subplots, and a story that is huge in scope, with riots, explosions, and a couple of dance numbers. If you really, and I mean truly, like Donnie Darko - this follows the same mindbending never-fully-explained type of story, but through a much larger Kelly-created universe.

To the non-Donnie-Darko-initiated: I'm not sure where to go next. I just spent 15 minutes trying to type a little summary, and it spun completely out of control. So, I'll give you Wikipedia's summary:

El Paso and Abilene, Texas have fallen victim to twin nuclear attacks on July 4, 2005 – a catastrophe of unimaginable proportions which has sent America into World War III. The PATRIOT Act has extended authority to a new agency known as US-IDent, which keeps constant tabs on citizens – even to the extent of censoring the internet and using fingerprints in order to access computers and bank accounts. In order to be able to respond to a newfound fuel shortage in the wake of global warfare, the German company Treer designs a generator of inexhaustible energy which is propelled by ocean currents, called "Fluid Karma." Unbeknownst to them, the generators alter the currents and cause the Earth to slow its rotation, ripping holes in the fabric of space and time.

In Los Angeles, a city on the brink of chaos overshadowed by the growth of the underground Neo-Marxist movement, we follow the criss-crossed destinies of Boxer Santaros (Dwayne Johnson), an action film actor stricken with amnesia; Krysta Now (Sarah Michelle Gellar), ex-porn star in the midst of creating a reality tv show; and twin brothers Roland and Ronald Taverner (both played by Seann William Scott), whose destinies – on one evening – become intertwined with that of all mankind.

Sound confusing? It is. What's more, this movie is parts IV-VI of a six-part story, and the first three parts are in a graphic novel. Like Donnie Darko, not everything is explained and much is left open to interpretation.

In the end, Southland Tales is a film about an unexpected and unconventional apocalypse, set in a hypothetical, but familiar, United States during the summer before the 2008 presidential election. If you don't look too hard for the answers to every question it presents, you'll enjoy a nearly tongue-in-cheek film about people looking for sense in a frightening world, as well as belief in themselves (& each other).

Like Donnie Darko, Southland Tales begs for multiple viewings before it's fully understood. It's understandable that this is a dealbreaker for many viewers, but some (like yours truly) appreciate the art-as-film asthetic that directors like Richard Kelly go for. Watching the second time around is an absolute treat, as you work through your own interpretation of the the film.

One last note - I'm a sucker for puzzles like Southland Tales, so I immediately bought the graphic novel containing parts I-III, and if you liked the movie, I daresay you're obligated to read it. To taunt those of you who've seen this movie, let me tell you a few things I now know (no spoilers, of course - not from me).

I know, among other juicy tidbits:
-- what Pilot Abeline and his friends are up to
-- why Boxer Santeros bleeds the image of Jesus
-- why Taverner can't have a bowel movement
-- the exact origin and purpose of the screenplay
-- just what happened in Fallujah

So, go watch Southland Tales, if you believe you can stomach it. Get back to me about what you thought. The thing I love most about this movie is that, no matter what, it leads to discussion.

Damn, Ninja!

Man, I dropped the ball on this one. I found the article below back in January, and it got lost on my work desktop. But, here it is now, in its small glory.



Now, you probably know how much I love ninja criminals. The great twist to this one is that this particular ninja, dubbed the Staten Island Ninja by some, has been caught, and he's, *GASP* Albanian!

Now, I know, you're probably thinking, "How could this be? The only Albanian ninjas went their separate ways after the cold war, when ex-soviet spy-criminal-masterminds could no longer afford their own private ninja armies!"

And you'd be half-right, there. Here's what I think, as I've said before: this is just a really bad time for ninjas, man. Most of the old ninja/samurai blood feuds have died out, evil mega-corporations are downsizing their ninja staff in favor of additional legal representation (far more dangerous, really), and criminal masterminds have trended toward rockstar-bodyguard-type hulking muscle:



There simply isn't much work out there for an honest ninja anymore. They're out of work. Lonely. Desperate. And at times like this, they turn to the only thing they know – awesome stealthy criminal behavior.