At first, there was hope that producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura was preparing for something great. We children of the ‘80’s waited with fevered anticipation for any word. Rumors abounded that Mark Walberg would likely play Duke, and that the movie would be some sort of “origin of Cobra” story. Sweet.
Then, our wild-running imaginations were fueled in late 2005 by El Mayimbe’s review on Latinoreview.com of a bootlegged script, previewing a fantastic film sure to satisfy any G.I. Joe purist:
The six G.I. JOE’s that made the cut for now in the draft are – Duke, Scarlett, Snake Eyes, Hi-Tech, Heavy Duty, and Wild Bill. [Assuming sequels, more could come in later films.]
The antagonist of the piece is DESTRO…THE BARONESS is in this thing along with STORM SHADOW.
Yes folks, there is the Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow rivalry in this draft and they duke it out in the 3rd act. Strom Shadow has a cool back-story. In the script, he is considered the greatest hand-to-hand fighter in the world…
…Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were trained by the same master and were rumored to have fought once. They fought for two days before a single blade landed. Storm Shadow made a mistake and was defeated. However, the rage induced by Storm’s disgrace and has fueled ten years of further study in South America under a different master, under a weapons-free discipline of Brazilian Jujitsu.
Speaking of Snake Eyes, [he] and Scarlett are in a relationship in this draft and are in therapy because well, Snake Eyes doesn’t talk and has taken a vow of silence as a way of furthering his martial arts training and discipline! I thought the therapy scene on page 26 was hilarious. Very creative.
There is a COBRA in this draft. He is not COBRA COMMANDER, he is simply COBRA and he is a former G.I. JOE named REX. This story is a Cobra origin story of sorts…
…the Joes carry out the mission and something goes horribly wrong. Rex is horribly scarred as a result…
…Destro wants Cobra to lead his army of super soldiers. The super soldiers are the best mercenaries from around the world that are also being injected with the same juice as Rex is. So basically that is what G.I. JOE is about - Duke and the Joes must stop Destro, Cobra and the chemically enhanced super soldiers…
I’m practically salivating. This is on par with the epic struggle that raged on my family room floor for years.
But, as with all good things Hollywood takes a bite of, there must come the inevitable shit.
Finally updating on the situation last week, El Mayimbe informs us that di Bonaventura ditched the sweet-assed script and commissioned a new one. Low-lights of the new one include:
-- A buddy-film between Duke and Alex Mann from Action Man. Never heard of them? Of course not – they suck. They were the cheap international version of G.I. Joe.
-- No Cobra, no Destro – a villain named “Cool Dude.”
-- A host of cheesy lines and corny quips
This blows. Hopefully, di Bonaventura will see the light. Maybe he’s just shopping around for different ideas. I can only hope.
But really, El Mayimbe is right: the least they can do is stay faithful to the few basic premises that lie at the core of the franchise. If they’re not going to do that, I hope they scrap the project. Better to leave G.I. Joe at the height of his glory, as I left him on my family room floor a few decades ago.
Any producer seeking to recreate a classic story should know that. “And,” as Duke always said, “knowing is half the battle.”
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