Adding to the Lexicon

Friends, wherever you are right now, be it your living room, your office, or your DungeonMaster Lair (you know who you are), I'd like you to stand up and start clapping.

Why, you ask? To what do owe collectively applaud? Why, to ourselves, of course. I just saw on urbandictionary.com that the term douchebottle has made it into the lexicon!

It seems only yesterday (though it was August 2004) that I was sipping margaritas in L.A. with my good friend Eve and my lovely lady, where we had a discussion about the overuse of the term douchebag. To which, I pondered, "Does a douche even come with a bag?"

No, it does not, we discussed. It comes with a bottle. As such, I realized that I needed to change the world by updating this outdated term to douchebottle. Well, friends, with your support, it has caught on, and you can see the Urban Dictionary page that proves it (created on June 9, 2005).

[NOTE - yes, there's an earlier definition of it on there, but that references crackheads. I think only a crackhead could have written the entry and I refuse to acknowledge it, as it makes no sense.]

This is a great accomplisment, my friends, and soon the term douchebag will be forever retired. Keep up the good work!

In the spirit of this momentous occasion, I'd like to introduce a couple more terms we should begin using. These are original from me, regardless of whether they can already be found on the internet. (I mean, seriously, you can probably find pictures of Buddha taking a dump on the internet, so it doesn't much count - unless I say it does.)

Starbucksian, adjective: a manner in which one is mocked for supposedly incorrect participation in a process, immediately prior to suffering the mistakes of the mocking party, such as when a Starbucks employee rolls his/her eyes at you for slightly mispronouncing "venti mochacaffefrappAmerispresso," only to then serve you a grande hot tea. Suggested use: "Man, my boss bitched me out about my report, but then couldn't even explain our project to the customer. He's so Starbucksian."


feck, intransitive verb, noun; (akin to fuck): to engage in coitus with—sometimes used interjectionally with an object (as a personal or reflexive pronoun) to express anger, contempt, or disgust. This word is somewhat interchangeable with "fuck," except that it to be used solely in the inquisitve, as in, "What the feck?" The purpose of this word is, essentially, to refresh the phrase, "What the fuck?", which is vastly overused, but still so damned useful.

Go, my friends, and spread the word(s). Together, we can modernize cynical commentary on the world, one tortured vulgarity at a time.